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Touching All the Bases

Nobody here on our staff watched the Olympics and nobody here got the Zika either.  Case closed.  Besides the biggest story coming out of the whole thing, is some swimmer got mugged.  Then maybe he didn’t get mugged.  Who cares?  Do you?  We don’t.

And, the Presidential campaign is just the same old, same old every day.  The Donald Himself says something and the Mass Hysteria has a baby over it.  Then HerHillaryness almost falls off of the steps, or a stage and someone props her up, yada yada.  The Mass Hysteria may be fascinated by all this, as it doesn’t take much to get their motors running but to us this is getting boring.  Isn’t it?  Can we vote already?

And, Aroids aka Alex Rodriguez retired.  Now there is some discussion about whether he was a great baseball player or just some hopped up, steroidal freak with some stats, so we’ll sort it out for you.  When a great player comes to the end of his career, he takes the uniform off himself and hands it to the owner.  The owner knows it’s over too but he shakes his head and tells the player.  “Keep it.  No one else will every wear that number again.”  Think, 3, 4, 5 and 7 when you’re thinking of the Yankees.  When the owner comes to a player like Hal Steinbrenner did with Aroids and takes the uniform off his back, good, bad or just mediocre, the guy is just another has been.  Case closed.  Besides a funny thing has been happening since they took Aroids and his .200 Batting average, his 9 home runs, 31 RBIs and his .598 OPS out of the lineup, the Yankees have been winning.  You could look it up.*

And, the City Council of the City of New York has dropped the requirement that cab drivers here have to speak English.  This has gotten some people all twisted.  Well we took a survey among the staff and it proved what we all thought, real New Yorkers don’t ride in cabs.  Well not much.  Our chief correspondent Cynthia Caruso remembers taking one a few weeks back while she was working on a story and it was late at night.  Then Carmine our business and Real Estate guy, used Uber a few times last month because he was having car trouble but cabs are for the tourists who don’t know where they are going or people who are so rich they just throw 20’s and 50’s around all day.  Real New Yorkers ride the Subway and the Buses.  The only time they’re in a cab, is if they’re driving it.

But also with Uber, Iphones and GPS no one has to even speak anymore, neither English nor any other language.  Besides, ever since someone figured that they could park a ship at lower Manhattan because it’s a natural harbor, people have been coming here from all over the world.  That’s for close to 400 years.  You could look it up*.  Now news flash to everyone out there, we speak every language on the face of the earth but no one here speaks English.  That includes the people who think they do.

When we say “Fuggettaboutit!” that is not English.

And, you’ve seen all the movies of New Yorkers, so you know that “Ya talkin’ to me?” is not English but New Yorkeese.

Or from another great movie.

“Wha’ happened that night wit’ you an’ Salvy a’ tha’ Copa?”

“Oh ya’ mean when I slammed his head in tha’ cab door?  That was nutin”.

You get the point that a guy named Salvy, got his head slammed in the cab door but that’s not English.

Now the tourists from England and the rest of America who come here, speak English and some of our cab drivers from India and Pakistan speak English because the English taught them but not the rest of us.  Besides, who thinks someone or anyone has been enforcing this English speaking regulation?  Raise your hand puhleeaseeee!

Oh well, we think we’ve touched all the bases for now.  Stay tuned.

*James Thurber and Casey Stengel

Dicens simile factum est

knight : Knight with armor riding a horse and Jousting

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