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The Polls Without, End Forever, Amen

Since the polls in the just completed Presidential election all seem to have been wrong, the Talking Heads of the Mass Hysteria all seem to have adopted the mantra, that there was a hidden vote for The Donald Himself.  In other words when people were asked who they were voting for they said HerHillarness, but they actually voted for, The Donald Himself.  In short, they lied.  Now since we represent the inquiring minds of America, we wondered where, did they get that information from?  Did they take a poll?

We wondered that because polls seem to be the sole reference on all issues for the Talking Heads.  It’s sort of like that game show Family Feud, where the contestants are asked things like.  What do you take on a vacation?  And, the contestants guess and then their answers are checked against those of a studio audience who were asked the same question.  It’s called The Survey.  If the constants answers match the ones from The Survey, the contestants get money and other prizes.  If they guess wrong, they get nothing and they look dumb.

Now in our never ending search for truth, justice and the American way, we go where the rest of the media fears to tread.  So we went deep, deep into the labyrinth of one of these polls and found a real honest to God, Pollster.  And, since we don’t want to have to apologize to our readers at some point in the future for not being fair like the New York Times just did, we won’t mention which Poll this Pollster works for.  But think big, really big and you’d know the name if we mention it.  And, naturally we won’t use anyone’s real name.  We’re just going to call him, The Pollster.

“The Pollster, tell us a little about how these polls work?  Oh do you need some more Kleenex?”

“No, no.  We have a lot.  It’s just… just…  Well they brought some dogs in here the first day and we got to hug them but that really didn’t work.  One of them peed on my leg.  And, most of us haven’t even gone home yet.  Some have gone to the protests.  They pay a hundred dollars if you go but.  I just can’t…”

“We understand Pollster.  But the polling?”

“Oh yes.  The polling.  Well basically, we have a computer dial and then when someone picks up, we come on the line and ask them the questions.”

“Oh how interesting.”

“Yes only about 10 or 12 people out of a 100 will actually pick up the phone, so you can imagine how hard it would be to keep dialing all day.”

“How thoughtful.”

“Yes and well half the people who pick up the phone tell you to eff off or scream that they don’t want to buy Viagra or they don’t need a mortgage.  Or they don’t care if we’re the IRS, or even the FBI, if we call again, they’ll shoot us.”

“Sounds like a tough job.”

“It’s not easy and the 5 or 6 people who will speak to you, seem to have trouble understanding the questions.”

“What do you do then?”

“Well we help them but if it gets too difficult, we just fill in the answers for them.”

“We see.”

“Yes, so now after the election we called back the phone numbers where people had actually answered and this time, only maybe 5 in a 100 picked up.  And again most of them told us to go eff ourselves and if we called again…”

“They’d shoot you?”

“Yes.  So after a few of those, we just sort of gave up.  There’s not a lot of energy around here now.”

“So how do you know people had lied to you?”

“Well we got that answer twice although both times the people on the other end were laughing.  But it’s all we had, so we went with it.  It makes sense doesn’t it?”

Dicens simile factum est

Pro Bono Publico


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9 comments to The Polls Without, End Forever, Amen

  • Debby

    It’s about time you resurfaced! Welcome back! Good job.

  • Don,

    Terrific! ROFLMAO! Hurry and give us another one. 🙂


  • Don Frankel

    Thanks Debby. I think I had made fun of just about everything during the election cycle and I didn’t want to repeat myself. This will be fun now.

  • Don Frankel

    Mark, their polls were wrong, wrong and wrong some more and what do they do the next day? They trot out the same polls and start rattling off like nothing happened. What planet are these people on? I mean I can’t watch the news it’s too funny and not in any way they think.

    BTW what’s with all the exit poll data like this ethnic group or that or this gender or that person with this color skin or that voted this way or that? How do they even know? This is the same poll that said HerHillaryness would win wasn’t it? Now it’s accurate of course. Right! You know people who incessantly speak about other people in terms of their skin color, their gender and their ethnicity are what I call prejudiced. Even if those figures are semi accurate, why would that be relevant?

  • Well, you could argue that the pollsters got the popular vote right (Hillary won by around a million votes, last I heard) — they just didn’t know there is such a thing as the electoral college. You’d think they would’ve remembered a guy by the name of Al Gore.

  • Don Frankel

    Well Muse, I’m not sure about your newspapers but here they routinely ran the Electoral College Map and The Donald Himself would only get 168 electoral votes. Plus the Talking Heads of the Mass Hysteria would explain on a regular basis that The Donald Himself could never win Pennsylvania, Ohio, North Carolina, Wisconsin and Florida. Of this, they were most sure.

    And, you’re right most Americans don’t remember 2000 but most of them couldn’t pass an 8th grade history exam. So they also don’t know about President Adams, President Hayes and President Benjamin Harrison. None of whom got the popular vote. Also while Abraham Lincoln got more popular votes and more electoral votes than the other three guys he ran against, he only got like 25% of the popular vote.

    But then the American people are constantly told about the great democracy they live in by all the pundits and all the politicians so you can’t blame them for thinking the live in a democracy, when they don’t.

  • My theory, Sir Don, is that when they missed the margin of the 2012 election victory by Obama they decided they had undersampled, millennials, minorities, people who only had cell phones and people whose only contact with the outside world was through Facebook. So they decided they had to really find out what these people were thinking this year, and so undersampled America’s yickadoos.

    My only complaint is that, like a majority of Americans, I was in complete shock when the candidate we voted for lost, because the polls said she was going to win. This cost me several days of being ticked-off, but I now realize that the satire industry, of which I am an integral part, will boom during the Trump years, however few or many they may be.

    One poll, the LA Times/ Something or other, had Trump winning all along. In spite of the fact that they, too, were wrong in predicting he would win the popular vote, I bet business is brisk there today.

  • Sorry about the misplaced comma above…I can’t edit my comments on this site.

  • Don Frankel

    Richard the IVth, I’ve had to give therapy to quite a few friends here in NYC. Hey they’re my friends so it doesn’t bother me, on the one hand. But I also have a very close friend who is a Psychiatrist and he gets $285 an hour. And he could charge more, he’s just nice. Then I have another close friend and she’s a Psychologist and she gets $175 an hour. So on the other hand it does sort of bother me in that this is very valuable enterprise and well I could be cleaning up right now. But I listen and then as carefully as possible try to point out that it is not going to make any difference in their actual life and well… it’s time to move on. Or as I say. Fugggetttaaaboutittt.

    Don’t worry about miss placed commas or any other typos as it is… Damn the typos full speed ahead around here.

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