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It Was The Russians!

When one of our reporters came to us with this story and asked to pursue it we were stunned.  Stunned not because the story was hard to follow or hard to believe.  In fact it was obvious.  We were stunned because no one else had it.  Not the NY Times, not the WaPo, not CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN or FOX.  But that’s why we’re here, here to break this story.

THE RUSSIANS HACKED THE OSCARS.

We told you it was obvious.

Since this involves the delicate security of many nations and people’s lives might be in danger we changed the names here.  So the KGB Agent will be known as KGB Agent.  And our reporter well, we’ll just call her Diane.

Diane “Did the Russians hack the Oscars.”

KGB Agent “Of course yes!  And it was easy.  Price Waterhouse is online.  Unlike your voting machines which are not.  We couldn’t get into them.  If we could your President would be Bernie Sanders right now.  Stop to think about it who else would we want but the Socialist?  BTW could you explain how the most technically advanced nation in the world America, still uses paper ballots?  Like it’s 1836.  How can we hack that?”

Diane “If you don’t mind I’ll ask the questions here.”

KGB Agent “Okay, okay.  Take it easy.  You are obviously one of those capitalists.”

Diane “Check and let’s stick to the facts.  You put your hand on my knee again and you’ll lose it.”

KGB Agent “D’accord.  We speak French in Russia at least some of us still do.  But it was real easy to get into their computers.  Would you believe that someone’s password was lalaland?  And not even with any caps.”

Diane “But why?  Why do the Russians hack?”

KGB Agent “Why do we hack?  We’re bad guys.  It’s what we do.”

D.A.  But why would Russia care who wins the Oscar?

KGB Agent “Ah.  Because the Oscars are the height of imperial capitalistic decadence.  Just look at all of them walking into the theater.  They are wearing more money than most counties exist on.  And, more people watch that than the rest of it.  And, why do they call that the Red Carpet?  That is infringement!  We are the Red whatever, carpet, nation world.  Ha!”

Diane “So some of this might be personal here.  It’s not just business.

KGB Agent “It’s always personal.  And, most Americans don’t even know why they have these Academy Awards.  They blindly think someone cares who or what the best is.  The awards are designed to create wealth.  And create wealth for the decadent Bourgeoisie.  If a movie wins an Academy Award people will go see the movie and all over the world too.  In turn this generates more wealth for the disgustingly, wealthy Bourgeoisie.  And, the Hollywood ones are the worst.  So by hacking into the Price Waterhouse computers we changed the votes and gave the award to a movie no one saw or will see.  So we circumvented the accumulation of more wealth for the already stinking wealthy Bourgeoisie!  I mean how many houses can these Hollywood people have?  How much can they spend on drugs, rehab and shrinks?”

Diane “I see.”

KGB Agent “Actually we know how much they spend on drugs, rehab and shrinks.  It’s more than most nations exist on.”

Diane “What’s next?”

KGB Agent (Laughing here) “Miss America maybe.  Did you see the look on that Warren Beatty’s face?  Priceless.”

Diane “So this is not the last of this?”

KGB Agent “Of course not.  Nothing you have is safe.  We will hack whatever you have; elections, awards, contests, even game shows.”

At this point the KGB Agent took his shoe off and began to pound it on the table.  He ended with.

“We will bury you!”

 

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2 comments to It Was The Russians!

  • mistermuse

    Wow — I didn’t know you have reporters, Don. As you know, reporters are The Donald’s enemy, so “Diane” had better watch her step if she tries to cover him (or if he tries to cover her).

    Anyway, congrats on a good story.

  • Don Frankel

    Muse, of course we have reporters. New York is Yuge. As you might remember. “The names have been changed to protect the innocent.” In this case we didn’t print her last name.

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