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Hollyweird and the Happy Ending

Recent events in the news, Harveywood in particular, made us realize that perhaps someone needs to review certain rules for men.

If you want a massage, go to a massage parlor.  There are licensed massage parlors where you get an actual massage and then there are the unlicensed massage parlors, where the massage is not as good but you get the “happy ending”.  Do not repeat do not, attempt to get a massage from a, women who is not a masseuse licensed or otherwise.  That also goes for attempting to get a massage from other men, little girls or little boys.  If you do, it will not have a happy ending.  Just ask Big Harvey, Mark Halperin, Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman and an ever growing list of ruined individuals, most of whom whether they realize it or not, have made their last movie or written their last book.  And, don’t feel bad for them.  They had it coming, from a long way off.

With or without the massage, do not, repeat do not attempt to have a “happy ending” with co-workers, subordinates, little girls or little boys.  Again, this will not have a happy ending.

When no one will help you have the “happy ending”, do not, repeat do not attempt to give yourself a “happy ending” in the presence of a woman.  While flowers and candy may have gone out of style, whipping out your “other head”, is an absolute deal breaker.  Also if your “other head” is not up to par, she just might giggle.  Again, this also goes for not doing this with other men, little girls or little boys.

Do not invite women you work with or just met, to your hotel room.

Do not use business meetings to proposition women.  In fact, do not proposition women you work with at all.  Women, who accept propositions, can be found on the internet nowadays.  And just because they take propositions, doesn’t mean they’re not ladies.  They just don’t have 9 to 5 jobs or show up for business meetings.  And, try to remember that even in Hollywood, just like in real life, there is not always a happy ending.

Now things you should do.  When you meet a woman you’re attracted to be polite.  You might want to ask her to go out for coffee or lunch.  There you can find out if she is available for dating and whether or not she’s even interested in you.  And if you’re married, well a good rule of thumb is, stop dating.

And, try to act like a gentleman.  If you come from some dysfunctional family and did not have an older, male role model worth emulating , watch the old black and white movies with Cary Grant, Humphrey Bogart or Jimmy Stewart.  There was a time when Hollyweird actually honored women, at least on the screen, if not in real life.  Hell, watch a John Wayne movie.  When he’s not shooting the bad guys and he’s in the presence of a woman, he acts like a perfect gentleman.  Try to emulate those guys because if you don’t act like a gentleman, you may never meet, or get to know, or ever get to fall in love, with a lady.

Dicens simile factum est

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6 comments to Hollyweird and the Happy Ending

  • Ricardo

    Dustin Hoffman? I didn’t hear about him.

  • Richard the IVth,

    Yeah there were a few women and one was a screen writer. She said he propositioned her during a meeting. That’s where I got the whole proposition portion of this article.

    What strikes me is the crass behavior of these guys. Some of it smacks of some really sick stuff.

  • Don, from reading some of my dozens of biographies and autobiographies of Hollywood’s “Golden Age” movie stars and directors, it seems that many of them with squeaky-clean screen images (such as Cary Grant) were far from being boy scouts in their private lives. Of course, the studio heads in those days did their best to keep rumors under wraps and often succeeded despite the scandal magazines and gossip columnists (Hedda Hopper, for example). And then there were the Errol Flynns of the movie world who lived high, wide and handsome without regard for what others thought.

    Personally, I try not to let such things effect my opinion of their virtues as actors and directors. When they cross the line in their private(s) lives, of course they should be held to account — it’s as simple (or as complicated) as that.

  • markscheel1


    I think the last sentence should have been: “And there will be no ‘happy ending'”! Just heard today now Jesse Jackson has joined the ranks of the accused. Will these accusations never end! I’m with Ricardo–Dustin Hoffman????


  • Muse,

    Years ago when I was coaching third my friend hit a triple to lead off an inning. When he got the third base I said. “Mike there’s no one out and…” And I stopped there because we were in our early twenties at this time and we’d been playing ball together since were 4 or 5 years old. So I finished with. “You know what to do.” And Mike said. “It never hurts to go over the rules.” So that’s what we’re doing here. That and of course our unending pursuit of truth, justice and the American way.


  • Mark,

    That last line was for the ladies.

    And yes Mark, Dustin Hoffman the once young man who trembled at the feet of Mrs. Robinson seems over the years to have turned into a male version of her. And Jessie Jackson, a man of the cloth! Say it isn’t so Jessie. Just say it isn’t so. And it ends when these guys learn some manners.

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