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All The News That’s Fit…

The headlines all across the TV News, the Internet and the Newspapers have screamed.

‘Woman Scales the Statue of Liberty!’

It sounds fantastic, sensational but well and we’re sorry to have to tell you this, she didn’t’ quite make it.

In fact, the woman, Therese Okoumou, didn’t even get to Lady Liberty’s big toe.  She got caught beneath the arch of Lady Liberty’s right foot.  But she did manage to climb the Pedestal which isn’t easy, so give her some credit.  But her venture up the Statue of Liberty is more akin to getting to the base camp of Mount Everest where you hire the Sherpas.  And then the Sherpas take one look at you and say, “Fuggggettabout it” and you go home.  We’re not ready to call this Fake News as Ms. Okoumou did manage to climb to the bottom folds of Lady Liberty’s robe, so instead we’ll just file it under.  “It ain’t necessarily so.”*

And, two men Winston Blackmore and James Oler were sentenced to six months house arrest.  What was their crime?  Polygamy.  It seems the two men have 29 wives and 160 kids between them.  Now we can understand why the Judge didn’t sentence them to jail.  They didn’t shoot, stab or rob anyone so they’re not going to hurt anybody.  But we’re thinking that keeping these guys in the house isn’t such a hot idea either.  These guys need to be out of the house.  More specifically, they need to be out of the bedroom.  Locked up in the house, for these two guys will produce not remorse, on their part but more kids.  Not that there is anything wrong with making babies.  If we all didn’t do that, where would the human race be?  It’s just we think these guys and their wives have done their bit.

And, since this all took place up in Vancouver maybe these guys should have been sentenced to six months in the woods.

Last year the Yankees called up Kyle Higashioka a back-up catcher.  He got into 9 games, walked up to home plate 20 times and he never got a hit.  We felt bad because Kyle Higashioka had spent 10 years in the minor leagues and when he finally got to the big leagues, he couldn’t buy a hit.  Then he got sent back down to the minor leagues.  This season he was once again languishing in the minor leagues.  But when an injury sidelined Gary Sanchez, the Yankees once again called up Kyle Higashioka.  And, this time he got his first major league hit, a long fly ball to deep left field in Yankee Stadium, his first hit and his first home run.  His next hit was another home run and his third hit was… you guessed it fans, a home run.  So Kyle had three hits, three home runs and no singles.  We had to go back to Roger Maris in 1961 to find a Yankee who had such a ratio of home runs to singles.  And so while we call Aaron Judge, The Judge, Giancarlo Stanton, The Jury and Gary Sanchez, The Executioner, we have decided that Kyle Higashioka will be known as, Home Run Higashioka.

*George and Ira Gershwin

Dicens simile factum est

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2 comments to All The News That’s Fit…

  • mistermuse

    Don, those two guys with 129 wives and 160 kids between them got me to thinking that King Solomon, with 700 wives and 300 concubines, must have had a lot more than 160 kids. But the bible only mentions 3 kids, so either Solomon had a hard time making babies, or the Old Testament writers discretely didn’t dig very deep into the ‘issue’ of Solomon’s marital and extra-marital affairs. In any case….

    [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z8SpgmF0sA&w=560&h=315%5D

  • Muse,
    That Mel Brooks take is one of the greatest. I’m pretty sure I’ve used it myself. Now Casey Stengel used to tell that story about Solomon to his young players as a cautionary tale. Solomon didn’t have those women all under one roof. Solomon was known as a wise man.. He’d have them stashed all throughout the City. And he had a guy who would go get which ever one he wanted on a given night. Casey explained how Solomon lived to be a very old man. But he had to go through about 8 or 9 of those guys in the course of his life, who would go out and get the women. The moral of the story was that women were fine it was the having to go look for them, that would kill you.

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