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The Art of the Deal

There are currently 2,188,900, that’s two million one hundred eighty eight thousand nine hundred people on the Federal payroll, not counting Postal employees and no one can answer the phone.

We bring this up now because no one, we mean no one in the Federal Government can tell us why Kim Jong-un would want to bomb Guam.  Of course no one among the Talking Heads has a vague idea either, but then why should they?  But this is why we’re here, to go where the rest of the media fears to tread.  This time inside the White House and no this is not a leak, like the stuff you read in the Wapo.

1st unnamed and unmasked White House Official in the Oval Office with the phone in his right hand and his left hand over the speaker, talking to other unnamed and unmasked White House Officials.  “It’s him again.  It’s the third time today.  He wants to talk to Trump he says.”

2nd unnamed and unmasked White House Official.  “Jesus doesn’t he know the President is in New Jersey.  Don’t they have internet over there?  TV?”

1st UUWHO “I can’t keep saying he’s in the bathroom.  Can’t we get someone anyone?  I don’t think he knows The President’s voice.  And he keeps just saying Trump, Trump!”

2nd UUWHO “Wait what about Eric?  He’s a Trump.”

3rd UUWHO “He’s in New York making money.  But Melania is here she’s doing that special tour of the White House.”

1st UUWHO “No, no she’s a woman and it’s like the 11th century over there.  He’ll be insulted and who knows what he’ll do.”

4th UUWHO “Wait Barron is here.  He stayed with his Mom for that tour.”

1st UUWHO “Go get him!”  And then into the phone.  “Hold please.”

Less than two minutes later a startled 11 year old Barron Trump was rushed into the Oval Office.

1st UUWHO “Listen Barron this is Kim Jong-un, he wanted to talk to your Dad but you’ll fill in for Dad.  He’ll ask you some questions.  We’ll all be on the line so if we nod our heads you tell him yes.  If we shake our heads you say no.  Got it?”

Barron Trump.  “No problem.”

Barron then picked up the phone.  “Hello.”

Kim Jong-un “Trump you old bastard.  I’m going to bomb Guam.”

Everyone in the room shook their heads but to young Barron ‘no’, did not seem like a real answer so he said.  “Why?”

Everyone in the room held their breath but then they could all hear Kim Jong-un laughing.  “Oh no you old bastard!  Of course why would anyone bomb Guam now?  You’re too smart.  Let me tell you what I really want.  I want a concert here in Pyongyang by Beyonce.  She can leave the ugly husband home.”

1st UUWHO motioned to Barron to put his hand over the speaker.  When he did 1st UUWHO said to everyone.  “Hell this guy is a communist who hates America, why would she say no?”  Everyone nodded their head emphatically.

Barron.  “Yes.”

Kim Joung-un “Beautiful!  Beautiful and I want Dennis Rodman to be the next Head Coach of the Los Angele Lakers.  Then I want a Dairy Queen franchise, a McDonald’s and a KFC”

Everyone in the room nodded and Barron said as he’d heard his Dad say so many times.  “It’s a deal.”  And everyone breathed a sigh of relief but then everyone caught their breath as young Barron added.  “You ever have a Shake Shack burger?”

Kim Jong-un “No.”

Young Barron “They’re the best.”

Kim Jong-un.  “Okay I’ll take one of those too.  Oh Trump you old bastard, you’re a tough negotiator, very tough.”

And everyone could hear Kin Jong-un laughing, as he hung up.

So when your head hits the pillow tonight, don’t worry about Kim Jong-un and his nuclear bombs.  It’s all been settled.  Except for maybe Dennis Rodman as Head Coach of the Lakers but by then everyone figures Kim Jong-un will be so full of Shake burgers, KFC and Dairy Queen that he won’t much care.

Dicens simile factum est

Pro Bono Publico

P.S. The Wall Street Journal confirmed this today https://www.wsj.com/articles/north-korea-sticks-to-game-plan-in-reversing-threat-to-guam-1502808199 but naturally we had it first.


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4 comments to The Art of the Deal

  • mistermuse

    Don, it seems to me that Kim might have gotten much more from this deal, but maybe he figured he’d better quit while he’s a head case. But soon enough he’ll remember there’s lots more targets he can threaten to nuke, so let’s not count our Ky. Fried Chickens before they’re hatched.

  • Don Frankel

    Muse, we think Big-un as we like to call him when we’re not writing deep, probing articles about foreign policy, just suffers from some bad PR and a bad haircut. We think with the right handlers and a new message he could become one of the more lovable despots in the world.

  • Don,

    As I always say, when I want the “behind-the-scenes” story, I come here. Who would have thunk that was the core of the threat! 😉


  • Don Frankel


    Today the Wall Street Journal confirmed that Big-un as we like to call him was not going to bomb Guam. We updated the article here to reflect that. Naturally we had it first but also the WSJ has no idea of the why of it all. For that as you and the rest of our readers know, you have to come here.


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