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Students Violate Second Amendment By Getting Killed, Says NRA

NRA main mouthpiece Wayne LaPierre Lashed out at critics of the gun organization today, denying that gun lobbyists have any culpability for mass shootings, and placing the blame for school shootings squarely on the students killed and injured in the incidents.

“These kids getting killed represent a serious threat to the rights of law-abiding gun owners everywhere,” said LaPierre. “It’s outrageous that the real culprits in these events, the victims, totally escape blame. We’re holding candlelight vigils for people who are destroying the American way of life.”

When asked how the NRA could justify this mind-bending exercise in victim-shaming, Wayne was quick to reply, “Haven’t these kids ever seen any movies? Do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie ever take a bullet, even though they’ve had more rounds shot at them than the Germans did on D-Day? Avoiding automatic weapons fire is simple. Just dodge, weave and occasionally hide behind a kitchen counter or a large refrigerator. Any table flipped on its side will block incoming fire. Do these kids know that? Apparently not, because they spend too much time on their cell phones. And they’re not watching Chuck Norris movies on their devices either, because then they would know how to elude a whole gang of assassins armed with automatic weapons, turn the tables on them, kill them all, and fist it out successfully with the evil mastermind of the gang one-on-one at the end. A scrawny teenager with one AR-15 would not be the slightest inconvenience for Chuck Norris, because he does not compose text messages while he’s being shot at.”

Asked whether he would concede to any new gun regulations, LaPierre bristled. “No! the problem is not guns. The problem is that there are too few kitchen counters and large refrigerators in our schools. Put a few of them in the hallways, and school becomes a much safer place. And drop those sex-ed slide shows and show Rambo movies instead. American students need to become more battle-hardened, before they threaten what really keeps Americans safe, which is our personal arsenals.”

LaPierre, when questioned whether insisting that schoolchildren learning to emulate action movie heroes when pinned down in a live fire situation wasn’t just a fantasy, replied, “Fantasy is where our membership lives, baby,” before ending the press conference by hiding behind a refrigerator.

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6 comments to Students Violate Second Amendment By Getting Killed, Says NRA

  • Ricardo, you’ve rec’d a few comments elsewhere asking where you found the quotes attributed to Wayne LaPierre. I’m guessing your sources were Monsieur Lampoon et Monsieur Satirique. Apparently those commenters suspected that you made the whole thing up. Quel dommage!

  • markscheel1


    This subject is a really tough challenge to parody. Hmmmmm. Not wishing to engage in any debate, that’s about all I can say on that. But glad to see you post here again.

    Be well,


  • Don Frankel

    Richard the IVth is back! I feel like Suzie Waldman a Yankee announcer screaming into the microphone. “He’s back!! He’s back!!” And that was for Roger Clemens and so far as I know he couldn’t write at all.

    You make an excellent point that automatic weapons in the hands of the bad guys never hit the good guy. When I see them use them at the hero I just shake my head and mutter. “Waste of time. Go for the butter knife.” I think the guy who they missed the most is the various guys who played James Bond. Even a potted plant works for old JB.

    My first reaction to this shooting was we can’t make fun of this. No one can make fun of this but then… Yes we can.


  • Ricardo

    Despite a large number of my readers thinking this was an actual interview with LaPierre, this was one of most popular posts in months, so I thought I would share it with you guys. And just for the record, I was making fun of the NRA, not school shootings.

  • Richard the IVth, I didn’t say you made fun of the shootings just the subject in general and whatever associated elements it has. I didn’t make fun of the shooing either.

  • Ricardo

    I was replying to Sr. Scheel, Sir Don. We’re cool. And so are Mark and myself.

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